How much patience is enough patience?

I’m a fiery Latina, strong achiever (my Eneagram says), with very little patience. For most of my life success came as a consequence of hard work not as a consequence of patience. I would always give hell of fight before quitting on a dream, and because of having little patience I really mean “hell of a fight”

I define my self as a warrior, always ready to give all for my beliefs and dreams but cautious about the risks, always aware of my surroundings and thinking very well my next steps, but over the years, all that I knew as success crumbled. I was not longer self reliable, I panicked … It took me several years to realize that for the longest time I had masked and pushed down my fearful, insecure self behind that strong warrior facade to finally break down into a very unhappy individual…the problem was not being a warrior, it was being a fearful one, and with no patience it became a desperation. How do you overcome that?

I had to do things differently if I wanted different results…so through yoga, I prepared my self for battle, I traveled inward to understand my true essence, I developed slowly but surely “patience”, and became no doubt stronger and more confident, but rather than putting a strong fight in favor of my dreams or beliefs I suddenly gave up and quit them all…of course I felt beaten and defeated.

I decided to flip the page and start all over again with what I knew as success: self-reliability…. It was a hard decision, and I confess every now and them I still wonder if the right one…but here I am, still standing, self–reliable.

I promised to move forward with the best lesson I got from that though: being much more patient. I regrouped and even thought on rebuilding those burned bridges to my old self, but it was too late, I was already a different person, not better just different…a person less vulnerable, more present, with less expectations, living one day at the time, hardened…and I thought: I made it, this is what yoga calls an enlighten individual who doesn’t suffer…wrong. Yoga didn’t teach me to quit my dreams and detach, to harden or to shield, actually the opposite. I misinterpreted the concept based on fear, guilt and insecurities; I wasn’t more enlightened, on the contrary I was suffering more. I had shut off my heart and let on only my brain. The new result? I was, again, very unhappy.

Second-guessing my self in every aspect I put the little strength left in another strategy self-love to embrace my fears (instead of shutting them off) and more patience. I armed myself for yet another battle to the unknown, the one that would use the cracks of my heart to bring back in light, love and healing power…and this one has taken what seems forever, some days I feel like winning some others defeated.

Universe has interesting ways to prove your strength though, to bring you to your knees so you can find your way back to standing tall…here I am, more than half way up but still battling this one.

I have dreams again, bigger dreams, and bigger are too the falls I’m taking, bigger the doubts and bigger the fears…running out of patience, shielding, weakening more…. Lost at times. Wondering how much patience is enough patience before I quit again….

But this time I know myself better, I know this wont break me and that I just need to keep going, non attached rather than detached to the outcome, like a ship in revolted waters letting go of the weights holding me down so I can remain afloat and with only one strategy: keep moving forward patiently.

It’s been easier for me to count my failures than to see my potential successes in the last few years, but I won’t quit this time unless I must, unless I’ve tried harder because the battle gets more difficult right before the victory and I am warrior, that’s my essence. I have to remain patient although I still don’t know how much patience is enough patience.